


If I Can Live Through This (I Can Do Anything)

by Numfar



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 16:30:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12685767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Numfar/pseuds/Numfar
Summary: “I’m not really the hero type these days, remember?” said Scanlan. “The rest of the team is much more powerful than me, anyway. You don’t need my help.”“The rest of the team is dead,” said Pike, and as much as she hated to admit it, she felt a flash of a dark sort of satisfaction as Scanlan’s eyes widened in horror.“What — How?" sputtered Scanlan, who was clearly very upset. "I mean, we killed the dragons, what could possibly…”“They went to the nine hells to deal with the rakshasa,” said Pike, “and apparently they got themselves killed. I should’ve been there to help them, but I wasn’t, so now I’m gonna go fix it.” She paused, then looked him right in the eye as she added, “You should’ve been there, too. So you’re gonna help me fix it.”-Remember when the party was one roll away from a TPK in the nine hells? What if that roll hadn't gone their way?In which all of Pike's friends are suddenly dead, so she goes on a quest to find their bodies and bring them all back, dragging along Scanlan and every other surviving ally of Vox Machina's she can find.





	If I Can Live Through This (I Can Do Anything)

Pike was in Sarenrae’s temple in Emon, talking to a young man who’d come for guidance, when she became suddenly aware that something was very, very wrong. 

 

It was not an unfamiliar feeling. She’d felt something similar only a few days previously before being contacted with news of Vax’s death. A few months before that, the same feeling had been her only warning before her team showed up with the bloody body of a fallen Percy. But the dread and anguish she felt now was also completely different from either of those times, because it was bigger. So much bigger. She felt as if her heart had been ripped from her chest and plunged into ice water. All she could think was  _ How many of them have died? _ Because there was no question that more than one of her found family had just been killed. 

 

“...And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with farming, necessarily, I’ve just always wanted to do something a little more — are you alright?” The young human in front of her looked concerned. Pike had forgotten he was even there. 

 

“No,” said Pike, because she didn’t like to lie. “I need to—” Her train of thought was interrupted as she suddenly remembered: the necklace! She frantically reached beneath the neck of her shirt to pull it out. It took a few seconds; her hands were shaking. 

 

No light. The necklace looked exactly as it always did.  _ Of course, _ she thought,  _ they’re probably on another plane right now. They’d been talking about going to the nine hells. _

 

The human stepped closer, reaching out to touch her shoulder. “Is there anything I can—” he started, but she interrupted him before he could finish. 

 

“No,” she said forcefully, because no one could help her now except the people she loved who were so far away and maybe gone forever. “I need to—my family is in hell and they might have all just died. So I need to. I need to check...on that. I’m sorry, I have to go.” She started to walk away but felt vaguely bad about leaving this man in the middle of her conversation, even though she could no longer remember what it had been about. “I’m sure you’ll figure out what to do about your...your conundrum!” she said over her shoulder as she exited the temple’s main room and went into the office. Not the best assurance, but she figured Sarenrae would not mind her distraction in this moment. 

 

After the door to the temple’s small office space closed behind her, Pike leaned against it and took a deep breath.  _ I just need to think about this logically, _ she told herself.  _ We’ve gotten past death before. I need to find out who’s dead and where they are, and then I can fix it.  _

 

Scrying, then. She would scry on them. She needed to know for sure whether or not they had actually traveled to another plane. 

 

Pike set up the materials for the spell, already feeling a bit better now that she had a purpose. When it was all ready she closed her eyes and concentrated on her best friend; Grog was big and strong and not great at resisting magic, so she figured he was her best shot. But after a moment, the spell found nothing.  _ That’s alright, _ she told herself,  _ they’re probably not here anyway. But I can check one more time.  _ She performed the spell again, this time choosing to concentrate on Vax’ildan, who had the Raven Queen’s favor and had evaded death many times before. 

 

Nothing. 

 

So they were in another plane then, she figured. The alternative was that they had all died in this plane so quickly she hadn’t noticed the necklace going off, and that wasn’t very likely. That meant that if she wanted to find them, she’d probably need to travel to the nine hells. 

 

_ Maybe the Everlight can help me again _ , she thought. She could planeshift to get to them, but she’d still have to find them in what was probably a huge city, and she didn’t like those odds. So, she sat in the office’s one small wooden chair and began to pray.  _ I just need to get to them so that I can help them, _ she told her goddess.  _ If you could send me to them like you did last time, I would be very grateful.  _ After a moment of nothing, she added,  _ Please. They mean everything to me. I know I can do this.  _

 

Then, Pike felt a familiar tingling feeling and the world around her began to change. The bookcases full of holy texts and the small desk faded away, and for a moment she saw only empty space around her before she found herself somewhere new. It looked like a dungeon of some kind, but she didn’t much notice the decor as her vision immediately zeroed in on several bodies on the ground before her. She saw two familiar half-elf figures with jet black hair. They were bloody but instantly recognizable as Vex’ahlia and Vax’ildan. Nearby was another figure lying face-down in a pool of blood; even with no visible face, anyone could identify Keyleth by her distinctive antler headpiece. She was wearing something new, and Pike realized with a start that it must be some sort of signifier of her new position of authority among the Ashari. 

 

Pike might have just stood there staring for ages if not for the loud utterance she heard from her left of what was presumably a word in a language she did not know. When she turned her head, she saw a large, menacing-looking fiend with the bodies of two bears hanging over its shoulders; one of the bears was achingly familiar, but she did not recognize the other. The fiend was leaning over to pick up another body, and Pike recognized the distinctive gold armor of a man she’d only met twice. But the worst sight was the large, gray-skinned figure lying behind him. She would recognize those tattoos and that beard anywhere. 

 

The fiend said something again, longer this time. It looked angry and it was moving toward her. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Pike knew that she should be frightened, that this creature could easily kill her, but as she took in the sight around her all she could feel was a white-hot rage. This fiend probably killed at least some of her friends, or helped whoever else had done it. And now it was just tossing their bodies around like they were nothing. 

 

“No,” said Pike forcefully as the fiend moved towards her. “NO!” With that she clutched her holy symbol and cast Earthquake, making the ground in the room begin to shake violently. 

 

The fiend didn’t fall over but Pike almost did as the tremors shook her as well, and as the fiend reached her she had a moment of recognition that this was probably not the most strategic spell to cast in that moment, even if the power of it had felt so good. 

 

As the fiend prepared to strike with a terrifying-looking weapon, Pike held up her shield and braced herself, closing her eyes.  _ If I’m going to die, it should be in a blaze of glory fighting for my friends _ , she thought, but the blow never came. After a couple seconds, she opened her eyes again and found that the fiend was gone along with the dungeon she’d been in; she was back in the temple in Emon, in her regular body again. 

 

_ No no nonono _ , she thought, falling to her knees and praying to Sarenrae.  _ Please send me back, I need to fight for them, I need to get their bodies so I can bring them back _ . She begged for what felt like ages but she got no response, and she remained on that same cold floor. 

 

Eventually she had to give up and accept that Sarenrae was not going to do this for her, but she still did not move from her kneeling position on the floor.. She stayed until she lost all feeling in her feet, and then she stayed some more. She could hardly imagine getting up or leaving. Where would she go? What would she do? What was left for her? 

 

She ended up shifting her position to make her legs less numb, but she stayed there for what must have been several hours at least. She couldn’t find it in herself to make a plan, to think more than a second into the future. 

 

At some point, there was a soft knock on the door. “Pike?” said a quiet voice from outside. Pike recognized it as Lydia, a nice young halfling woman who helped run the temple. “Are you alright in there?”

 

“I’m fine,” said Pike, and she found that her voice was rough and scratchy, maybe from disuse. 

 

There was a pause, and then Lydia said, “Alright. It’s just that you’ve been in there a while, and I could hear you crying...can I come in?”

 

Crying? Had she been crying? Pike brought a hand to her cheek and found it was wet. Looking down at her knees which had been ended up pressed against her face, she found them covered in moisture as well.  _ Huh _ , she thought,  _ when did that happen? _ Then Pike remembered that Lydia had asked a question and was obviously waiting for an answer.  _ She can’t come in while I’m leaning on the door like this _ , she thought,  _ I should...move.  _ It took a few moments to get herself upright, and she took another to wipe her face with her sleeve before opening the door. 

 

Lydia looked very concerned, and that just wouldn’t do. Pike was supposed to be the one taking care of everyone else, not the other way around. “Sorry for hogging the office all day,” she said, and found that her voice still sounded terrible, so she cleared her throat before continuing. “I’ve had...a bit of a situation, which I have been...dealing with. In there. So, yeah.” She had no idea what she was saying. 

 

“What happened?” asked Lydia, “Is there anything I can do?” 

 

“My, uh,” Pike swallowed. It was hard to say out loud. “My team, they. They all went to the nine hells and. They got killed.” She could feel herself beginning to tear up again. “All of them.”  _ Well, all but one _ , said a voice in the back of her head,  _ but he’s gone, too, isn’t he? _

 

Lydia looked shocked, and she stepped forward to offer a hug. Pike leaned into it and found herself beginning to sob. Suddenly she wasn’t numb at all anymore, she was feeling everything with great intensity and it was  _ awful _ , 

 

“I should’ve been there,” she said wetly into Lydia’s shoulder. “I’m like half the reason why they went there in the first place, I should’ve at least been there to protect them!” 

 

Lydia rubbed her back. “It’s not your fault,” she said, but that didn’t seem entirely right to Pike. Sure, she knew the real blame went to whoever killed them all, but if she could’ve prevented it and didn’t, what did that say about her? 

 

They stayed like that for a few moments before Lydia spoke again. “Can you…I mean, you’re so powerful. Is there any chance you could bring them back? Or you could get Father Tristan to do it?”

 

“I mean…” Pike started before she stopped again. She hadn’t been able to get to their bodies it in her ethereal form Sarenrae had given her, but that didn’t necessarily mean there was no way. “I know their bodies are in a dungeon somewhere, Last I saw they were being moved. But I think I know what city they were going to, and I could probably do some location magic…” Pike found herself starting to feel a little better as she thought out loud. “But they might be guarded somehow. Whatever killed them could still be around, and I’m not powerful enough on my own to defeat something like that...I would need help. I could—I could put a team together. Maybe hire some people?” Pike bit her lip, realizing she’d made her decision already. “This might take a while. And it’s gonna be difficult. But I think—yeah, I’m gonna do this.” 

 

With that, she pulled away from Lydia and wiped her eyes again. “Thank you,” Pike said, “and I’m sorry I got snot all over your robes. Um, I’m going to need to go away for a while. Will you guys be alright running the temple without me?”

 

Lydia smiled. “We will miss you of course, but I’m sure we’ll get by just fine. You should go where you feel you’re most needed.” 

 

Pike nodded.  _ Good _ , she thought,  _ This is good. Now I just need to get together a bunch of powerful people willing to risk their lives for Vox Machina.  _

 

— 

 

She decided to talk to Allura and Kima first. They were close by and Pike was confident they would want to help.

 

The couple was living in a small house on the edge of Emon while Allura’s tower was rebuilt, and Pike knew the way from visiting several times. As Pike made the short walk, she noted that it was dark outside, It had been early afternoon last she remembered, but she had no idea how long she’d been sitting in that office. Hopefully it wasn’t so late that she’d be waking anybody, but even if it were she wouldn’t be able to make herself wait until morning. 

 

Once she arrived, Pike knocked on the door a few times and waited. After a moment, she heard noises inside the house approaching the entrance, then the door swung open to reveal Allura. Her face was free of makeup, a state Pike had never seen on her before, but thankfully didn’t look especially tired or like she had just gotten out of bed. “Pike?” said Allura, peering down at her. Apparently whatever she saw on Pike’s face convinced her to skip pleasantries. “What’s wrong?” she asked, appearing immediately concerned. 

 

“It’s...the rest of Vox Machina,” Pike said, “Can I come in?”

 

“Of course,” said Allura, stepping aside to let Pike through the doorway. 

 

As she entered the house, Pike heard Kima’s voice from down the hall shouting “Who was it?”

 

Allura cleared her throat. “It’s Pike,” she responded, speaking in a lower voice than Kima had. “She’s still here. Come join us! Pike, would that be alright?” She led Pike to a couch and they both sat down.

 

“Yes,” said Pike, “of course. I actually came here to see both of you.”

 

Kima entered the sitting room after a moment; she was wearing a shirt that was very large on her and Pike wondered if she’d borrowed if from Allura. “Hey Pike, what’s up?” said Kima, followed by “Oh shit, you don’t look good. What happened?”

 

Pike looked at her hands, the words getting caught in her throat for the second time that day. She wondered if it would ever get easier to say. 

 

“Something’s the matter with Vox Machina?” offered Allura. Pike nodded. 

 

“Did they all do something really stupid without you?” asked Kima. 

 

“Something like that,” said Pike, and then suddenly she was fighting back tears again. “They—they’re all dead.”

 

There was a moment of silence then, and when Pike looked up she saw Kima and Allura wearing matching expressions of shock. 

 

“What happened?” asked Allura after a brief pause, and Pike explained the rakshasa situation, as well as the brief trip to the nine hells Sarenrae had sent her on to see their bodies.

 

“I just,” she said after she’d finished, “I need to get them back. And I don’t exactly have a whole plan yet, but I know it’s going to involve traveling to the City of Dis and probably fighting some pretty scary stuff, so I guess I’m here to ask for your help. And I know you don’t owe us anything and you’re probably busy but—”

 

“I’ll go with you,” said Kima before Pike had a chance to figure out the end of the pitch. 

 

“I—really?” said Pike. “I mean, thank you so much! I just thought you’d be a little more reluctant.”

 

Kima shrugged. “I mean, you guys did basically just save the world. And you helped bring Ally back to me when that dragon had fucked with her head. You’re good people who do good things; I’m sure Bahamut would want me to help you. Plus, you found me that awesome sword and I haven’t really had a chance to use it yet. Me in hell surrounded by devils is gonna be a little like a kid in a sweets shop.”

 

Kima turned to Allura. “How about you, Ally? Wanna go on an another adventure together? Just like old times!”

 

Allura frowned, obviously thinking. “It would be … not ideal for me to leave Emon while everything here is still so fragile,” she said. “I could probably get away for a brief time, but there would need to be a solid plan in place. We can’t all just go rushing into danger at the first opportunity,” she added, giving Kima a bit of a look. Kima just smiled and shrugged; Pike got the feeling this was an old argument for them. 

 

“Right,” said Pike, “We can do that! I mean, this is early stages right now, but we will definitely come up with a plan. Which, if you have any input on that, I’d be glad to hear it. My mind is probably not a hundred percent right now.”

 

Pike’s hosts both nodded. “Completely understandable,” said Kima. “Losing people sucks.”

 

There was a moment of quiet contemplation before Allura spoke again. “Do you have other people you’re asking? I imagine we will need more than just the three of us if all six of your compatriots didn’t make it.”

 

“Yeah,” said Pike, “I have a few people in mind. And I hate to ask for another favor, but could you send me to Whitestone?”

 

“Yes, of course,” said Allura. “Will you have a way of getting back once you’re done there?” 

 

“Yeah,” said Pike, “I’m sure I’ll be able to figure something out.”

 

—

 

Her first stop in Whitestone was the castle. Telling Cassandra about the death of her brother was predictably awful for both of them, but Pike pushed through. It had to be done, which meant she had to do it. She was the only one left; she had to do everything now. 

 

Then, she went to the guard station to talk to Jarrett. The poor man had just recovered from being nearly incinerated by Thordak and she hated to ask him for even more help, but she needed it too much. 

 

“I’ll pay you, of course,” she said, after explaining the situation and what she needed. “Very handsomely. I have...a fair amount of money myself at the moment, and we could get more after—”

 

Jarrett put his hand up. “It’s OK,” he said. “I will help. Although I’m not sure how much use I will be. After fighting that dragon, I’m realizing that my fighting skills might not be of quite the same calibre as all of yours. But I will do what I can. I don’t think I would be able to live with myself if Vox Machina all died and I didn’t do my best to stop it.” 

 

Pike was preparing to offer some very profuse thanks when a figure emerged from the shadows nearby. 

 

“I want to help too,” said the figure, now recognizable as Kynan. “I...think it’s the least I can do, after everything.” 

 

Pike nodded. “Thank you both so much,” she said, because she was very thankful. She needed to focus on that bead of positivity so that she wouldn’t break down again. “I’m still recruiting, but I’ll get back to you when we have a more concrete plan, OK?” 

 

They both agreed, and Pike mentally checked two more off of her list. 

 

—

 

Gilmore was going to be the worst to tell, she knew, and part of her wanted to put it off longer, but she told herself that he needed to know. Also, she would be needing some more transportation magic, and he was the only person still in Whitestone that she knew capable of doing that. 

 

She went to the house he’d been living in while Emon was destroyed and knocked. For a moment, she worried that he wouldn’t be there.  _ Maybe he isn’t in Whitestone anymore _ , she thought, realizing that it had been a couple weeks since since she’d last talked to him. She knew he’d been planning on coming back to Emon to rebuild his business, but she hadn’t seen him yet and had assumed he’d still been regrouping here. 

 

Thankfully, the door opened after a few minutes, revealing the wonderfully familiar face of Shaun Gilmore. He looked much healthier than when she’d last seen him, and Pike smiled a bit to see him recovering so well. Gilmore was a good soul, she was sure, and he did not deserve all the troubles he’d seen, or the one she was about to thrust upon him. 

 

“Pike Trickfoot!” Gilmore exclaimed, and she saw his gaze dart around behind her for a moment, presumably looking for the other members of Vox Machina; she realized that she’d never actually talked to him alone before. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked. “Hopefully something more cheerful than the last time a member of Vox Machina knocked on my door.” 

 

Something in Pike’s face must’ve fallen then, because Gilmore seemed to read it and his expression darkened as well. “Oh,” he said, “Someone hasn’t died again, have they?”

 

The situation suddenly seemed so ridiculous to Pike — why were they always dying and then bothering Gilmore about it? — and she started to laugh for a moment before she caught herself and stopped abruptly. “Sorry,” she said, “That was...inappropriate. Um, yes, actually, there have been...multiple deaths.”

 

Gilmore’s eyes went wide and he actually seemed to stumble back, physically recoiling from Pike’s words. “Dear gods,” he said, “Who?”

 

“Pretty much everyone,” said Pike, and she found that it was actually getting a little easier to talk about. She was almost numb to it now; she was going to get them back, so what was the use in crying about it? “They went to the nine hells without me and got killed. I’m going to go get their bodies so I can resurrect them, but it’ll be tough, so I’m putting a team together. I know you’re probably still recovering from the fight in Emon, but would you be willing to join me?”

 

She realized too late that she’d probably said too much too quickly for Gilmore to process. He looked a little faint. “I...need to sit down,” he said before moving to a couch in his living room and collapsing on it. “All of them,” he said, staring off into space. “I...I always knew there was a chance this day would come, but I — you all are so powerful, I had begun to assume you would all outlive me.” He put his face in his hands and sat like that for a moment. Pike stayed silent, trying to give him the time he clearly needed. 

 

“Well,” said Gilmore, “I’ve already demonstrated my willingness to risk my life for the sake of my favorite adventuring party. And that may not have been the most pleasant experiences, but my reasons for doing is are still as solid as they were before, so. Yes, I will join you.”

 

He lifted his head back up as he finished speaking, and Pike could see that his eyes were wet. She figured it would be best not to comment on it. 

 

“To be fair, it is a little different,” Pike felt compelled to point out. “I mean, last time you were helping us save the world. This time you’d just be helping us...save ourselves, I guess.” She wanted his help desperately, but she worried about his wellbeing too. “So you don’t have to feel obligated—”

 

Gilmore waved his hand as if to banish her words. “That might technically be true, but if some random group of people I’d never met asked me to help them fight an ancient dragon, even for the good of the world, I would probably refuse. I did what I did because someone I love told me he needed my help.” He stopped for a second, blushing a little. “Er, I mean,  _ people _ I loved. I care for all of you a great deal, of course.”

 

Pike smiled and put her hand on his. “It’s OK,” she said, “I know it’s different with the two of you. He loves you too, you know.” Vax had never said so to her, but he didn’t really need to; she’d seen how he looked at Shaun, and she could tell what was in his heart. She knew the hearts of all of her family.  _ Well, _ thought her traitorous brain, _ I thought I knew all of their hearts. One, I may have been wrong about _ . But she squashed that thought as best she could, because Vax wasn’t Scanlan, and anyway, she  _ did _ know Scanlan’s heart, even if he didn’t want her to. 

 

Gilmore smiled at her words. “As he keeps telling me.” His expression darkened for a moment. “Or, kept telling me, I suppose.”

 

“No, keeps,” said Pike firmly. “Don’t start with that past tense nonsense. We’re gonna bring him back.”  _ We will. _

 

Gilmore ended up making tea (she told him he didn’t have to, but he insisted), and they sat there together in silence for a while as they drank it. “What now?” Shaun asked after a while. “Do we leave soon, or are we taking some time to plan?” 

 

“Definitely taking some time to plan,” said Pike. “I’ve still got some people I need to get on board. “Speaking of which, could I get you to send me somewhere in a bit?” 

 

Gilmore nodded. “Yes, I can definitely do that,” he said. “Back to Emon, or somewhere else?” 

 

“Somewhere else, I think,” said Pike, “although I’m not sure where yet. Would you mind if I came back tomorrow morning and you sent me then?” 

 

“That sounds like a good idea,” said Gilmore. “It’s getting late and you look like you could use some rest. No offense, intended, of course! You’re beautiful as ever, but I imagine you’ve had a very long day.”

 

Pike had to smile at that. Even when grieving, Gilmore was still charming. “Yes, I suppose I have,” she said. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” 

 

They said their goodbyes, and Pike spent her walk back to the castle composing messages in her head to send. She needed to tell Zahra and Kashaw, but with Vassalheim’s ban on arcane magic, she had no way of getting there, or of getting back from there. She’d have to rely on sending, then. 

 

Eventually she settled on a concise enough wording to meet the spell’s specifications: “Rest of Vox Machina was killed in hell. I need help to retrieve bodies for resurrection. Meet me in Emon at Greyskull Keep if willing.” She sent it off twice, once for each of them. They were probably together anyway, but she figured it was better safe than sorry, and she didn’t need to save her spells if she was about to go to bed. With that in mind, she sent the same message to Ker and Shale, because even if there was only a very small chance of them responding, she needed to try.

 

As she climbed the steps of the castle up to the same guest room she always used, Pike mentally went through the list. Allura, Kima, Gilmore, Jarrett, Kynan. Hopefully Zahra and Kash. Maybe Ker and Shale. There was one name left on the list, and it was the one she’d been putting off for as long as she could, but now that things were starting to come together, she couldn’t do that much longer. She’d need him, she was sure; he was one of the most powerful people she’d ever met, and whether he liked it or not, this was as much his fight as it was hers. 

 

So, with that in mind, Pike took out her scrying materials for the second time that day and focused on Scanlan. 

**Author's Note:**

> Dark!Pike is apparently a thing for me. Who knew? 
> 
> Title is from "Champion" by Fall Out Boy, because I guess I'm a 23-year old emo kid. Seriously, though, that song is kind of perfect for Pike in this story. Give it a listen if you want. 
> 
> I'm on tumblr as beastmasterzayn - feel free to come say hi!


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